House-hunting in Lagos, a starter pack.
My friend, by now, I know you know getting a house is the real ghetto. Like Layi, I have come to give you info to guide you through this miry mud- let’s call it- house hunting 101- a starter pack.
- Have Money.
My brothers and sisters in the Lord, I wish there was a more creative way to start this piece, but there isn’t. You cannot begin a house search in Lagos without having money. Infact, if you check Lagosians’ Piggyvest or Cowrywise account, you will likely see tags like- house rent, make landlord no send me commot- I don’t want to sleep under the bridge and other titles pointing to the fact that an average Lagosian saves ahead for rent.
If you have a sugar-daddy, you must bill him for rent before you bill him for bone straight, or do you want to be carrying fine hair inside face me and slap you?
You must have money. You must have money because a two-bedroom flat at Baruwa is 1.2m , and the total package is 1.5m . If the outskirts is this expensive, can you imagine how pricey the mainland is?
Everywhere is a cashcow. Yaba that used to be a safe place is now rising like yeast- infact, there are levels in Yaba. Staying at Abule Oja, or Abule Ijesha is totally different from staying at Jacob Mews- by their names, they shall be known, right? Those who stay at the former are probably graduate trainees at GT or UBA, or entry level content marketers and social media managers still combining three jobs to make ends meet. And the residents of Jacob Mews are the wannabe baddies who want to be there, but are not there so they run away from Lekki and VI to come and oppress us on the mainland.
I saw a tweet saying a three-bedroom flat at Gbagada is 3.5m and the total package is 4.8m per annum. Oh, you are from Ibadan or Osogbo and you don’t know what the total package is? I will explain. In Lagos, your basic rent can be 500k and your total package is 800k, yes, you pay 60% extra for…nothing.
Well, maybe not nothing; the lawyer collects 20% for writing a four-page, horribly worded document they call an agreement, the agent collects 20% for helping you find the place (I am coming back to the agents) and the Landlord charges you a 20% refundable damages that is never refunded so when you hear — basic 500, total package 800- 100,100,100- please don’t be overwhelmed, it is just Lagos.
2. Pray
My mother thinks this should be number one- I do not disagree with her. Pray o, read Psalms 23, Psalms 90 , Surah Al Fatiyah and Surah Kawthar ki o ma ba tor’ile kotileta. You have to pray that you meet a good Landlord- not the one whose mother will report you because you passed by her flat and did not greet her or litter the washing line with her clothes and ask why you shifted it. You have to pray against misogynist and patriarchals, the ones who won’t give you a house because you are a spinster.
I am always baffled about their sense of judgment- how does being a woman affects my ability to pay the bills? It’s either they want to see your boyfriend, or they want to see your husband or haven’t you noticed how everyone is getting married these days? If you have ever thought there is no crime in being single- then you haven’t met Lagos landlords.
By the time they are done with you, you will send messages to Femi, your talking stage, Uchenna the tech bro who remembers you when he is horny and lonely, you might even reach out to your toxic ex who is good in bed but bad with giving. At least, he is good at something and the Landlord(or Landlady) just wants to see that you are responsible and that means having a husband, a wife or a partner with whom you are planning to settle down.
Pray also for kind agents. In fact, at this point, I must tell you about Lagos agents. There is no adjective that suffices when describing Lagos agents. You can say callous, obnoxious, rude, impolite, disgusting, annoying and frustrating and you will still be scracthing the surface of their ignominy.
Not only are they parasitic in nature, they are very good salesmen. An agent will show you an extended passage with a cramped kitchen and a pothole and call it 2-bedroom. Excuse me sir, where is the room? Where is the bed?
Lagos agents will take you to a swampy area and tell you it is not muddy, take you to a dilapidated building and tell you it’s a work in progress-you will hear them say
“won ma to re gbogbo bi bayi, o ma ready ti e bati sanwo”- which translates to- they will soon plaster everywhere and it will be ready immediately you pay. That is all they want, your money. Have I told you how exploitative and stingy they are? When you are going out with an agent, you must pay for their t.fare, their bike money, their call card and their data. Some will ask you for lunch money or ask you to share their hotspot, and then you wonder if they are using jazz or they are just audaciously shameless.
3. Have patience;
If you are someone whose blood boils like hot water heated by a raging gas stove, you probably should not search for a house in Lagos, and if you do, ensure you find a friend who is as gentle as a dove, and calm as still waters. The reason is simple- everyone is set out to frustrate you. It’s not personal, it’s the norm. The Landlord will ask you where you work, what you do? Who your father is, who your mother is, the name of your girlfriend, where you schooled, your hometown and other ridiculous questions that will make you wish your parents were related to Dangote or you were Otedola’s cousin.
If you think Twitter folks are tribalistic, then you need to meet Lagos house-owners. The Yorubas don’t want igbos because they are troublesome, Igbos don’t want Yorubas because they are talkative- what is more amusing is that in all this frivolous discrimination, there is a Hausa man with his wife and two children, or three living in a cubicle , self-contained or even a whole BQ for free in the same compound- he’s often referred to nonchalantly as a main-guard (pronounced as may-guard) or a security personnel, and you wonder what they are securing.
You should have patience because you will be profiled- your dreadlocks means you are a yahoo boy, and your Mac means you are a gamer. As a lady, you dare not wear a short shirt or corset when looking for an apartment or are you not tired of being called an ashawo? Wear your big t-shirt, the one you took from your ex alongside your baggy jeans and ensure you kneel down to greet because landlords want respective tenants.
4. Runaway.
See, to be honest ehn, we all don’t have to live in Lagos, you can go back to your village and do remote work, I can go back to ibadan, my hometown where 500k will get me a fully furnished 3 bedroom apartment, but will I? Will you go back to your hometown? No, because Lagos is the land of milk and honey, can you see why they milk us sapa becomes our neighbour??
The next time you house hunt in Lagos, please pray it’d be your last because Lagos landlords are your opps, the village people sent to drain your funds.
When was the last time you house-hunted in Lagos? Did you hunt well or were you the hunted?
